SATIRE(maybe)—

The Chinese Taipei (Taiwan) little league team thoroughly demolished Vancouver, Canada 23-0 in the Little League World Series today. The game was called after four innings due to the 10 (or was it 20?) run rule which is instituted to keep all little leaguers, including myself from ever having to deal with adversity or hardship for more than six innings.

Shao-Fei Huang drove in six runs, or more than the average major leaguer will ever have in one game over the course of 10-12 162-game seasons.

Hsun Hao Shih absolutely demolished the baseball as well today, hitting two bombs over the 225 foot fence at Volunteer Stadium.

Three Taiwan pitchers combined for a one hitter.

Taiwan has been an absolute powerhouse in little league baseball, making the finals in last year’s tournament, and having demolished their first two opponents so far, beating Saudi Arabia 18-0 and Canada 23-0.

If these kids weren’t my size, I’d swear they are all juiced with steroids.

Now, my Pirates, on the other hand, suck. They are the worst team in baseball, they have occupied the bottom spot in the NL Central for all of this season, as they have done basically all of my lifetime.

Now here’s the question: Can Taiwan’s little league team beat the Pirates?

OK, so we’d have to level the playing field first. Pirates pitchers would have to move up to the regular little league distance of 46 feet from the plate. But, they would get penalized if they threw over 75 mph. Taiwan would get a base runner every time Paul Maholm or Zach Duke threw over that limit.

Pirates hitters would face the same fences as Taiwan, 225 feet. (Not that they could get it over that anyways.) However, the “major” leaguers would have to still use wooden bats, while Taiwan keeps its same bats.

The game is played according to Little League rules.

Now, onto the game.

Taiwan’s pitchers dominate the Pirates, just as any other NL team’s staff does. Ronny Cedeno can’t touch their 55 mph curveballs, and ends up striking out three times. But, the Pirates do manage a run from three consecutive wild pitches after a walk from a Taiwan pitcher, who, at that point, figured he should try and roll the ball to Ryan Doumit to try and make it easier.

But, in a rare occurrence by any pitcher not named Evan Meek for the Pirates, Maholm dominates, also, striking out 10 batters.

Then, in the bottom of the sixth inning, with Taiwan at bat (they were given home field because of their overall record, which is tremendously better than the Pirates’ as you may assume), with big bopper Hsun Hao Shih up at the plate with a runner on first base, hits a home run with a 3-2 count to win the game.

Final score: Taiwan 2, Pirates 1.

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