My Application to be the Chiefs' New General Manager

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December 31, 2008

My Application to be the Chiefs' New General Manager

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I have decided to throw my name in as a potential candidate for the Chiefs' general manager position that was "resigned" by Carl Peterson a few weeks ago. Am I qualifed? I think so - you be the judge.

Strengths:

I know the NFL pretty well - and I know what kind of team I would like to put out on the field. Most importantly, I want to put a winner in Arrowhead and give the fans something to cheer for, and make it worth their "$29 for parking" while.

Most of my knowledge comes from playing an extraordinary amount of Madden 2009 on my Xbox, watching about 85% of all available games to me each week on TV, and being an avid (not necessarily "good") fantasy football player. Doesn't that at least put me in the top 50%?

Weaknesses:

I have not been personally associated with football since 8th-grade when I broke my arm in practice. To date, I have never been involved with dealings with an agent or a salary cap, and have yet to make a pick in the NFL Draft.

Ace in the Hole:

With word coming down that Scott Pioli will command a $6 million salary, I would be a much more affordable candidate, and likely at least 50% as effective as Pioli would be. Likewise, I would redirect that saved money into our team and our stadium - so everyone wins.

Team Structure:

The first move would be to fire Herm Edwards, begrudgingly so. I have supported Herm - I have really tried to get behind him and his style. But he is, without a doubt (which is code for "here comes some more blowhard rhetoric"), one of the worst game-day coaches in the league right now. Herm simply doesn't get how to manage strategy while the clock is ticking - and that needs to change.

Beer prices would immediately be lowered to $5, and I would begin to search for hotter cheerleaders. Stupid, you say? Insignificant? I disagree - hear me out.

When we struggled through a 2-14 season this year (1-7 in Arrowhead), what would convince you to stay, and more importantly, to keep coming back? Cheap beer and hot girls? I thought so. Seriously - we live in Kansas City, not freaking Mongolia - we can certainly find some hotter cheerleaders than those road hags we keep running out there week after week. Crap, at least import the Dallas and San Diego rejects that don't make the squad - anything other than the sea monsters that roam the Arrowhead sidelines eight times a year.

My next move would be to remove Larry Johnson from the team...ideally, by catapult, much like Rex Banner was removed from Springfield in the "Beer Baron" episode of "The Simpsons". If someone is willing to give me some belly lint and an autographed Lin Elliot football from the 1993 playoff game, I would take that in exchange for LJ.

Finally, I would make sure Damion McIntosh, Donnie Edwards, Pat Surtain and Damon Huard had finished their "ahem" illustrious careers in KC. Draft some speed (we'll talk about draft scenarios later next week), sign at least one "Holy $@&%, we signed him?" free agent, and get a head coach in here that has all the fan base nodding in approval.

Seriously - is it really that diffcult? Clark Hunt, you know where to find me. I guarantee a playoff victory by 2010, or I will tounge bathe Rudy Niswanger on the 50-yard line after his second two-a-day in the 110 degree heat.

Tags: carl peterson, General Manager, Herm Edwards, Kansas City Chiefs, Rudy Niswanger

Discussion

7 Comments on "My Application to be the Chiefs' New General Manager"

Posted by Big Lee, January 1, 2009 1:13 AM

I haven't evaluated cheerleaders, but I would support your candidacy otherwise.

I've never liked the idea of a 6-5 center. This is the reason you put a guy like Dorsey on his head. If he's quick and strong, he will get under Rudy N and press him into the backfield. Should Rudy be moved to guard, with the idea of looking for someone like Nick Mangold in the second or third round?

Posted by anis, January 1, 2009 7:26 AM

cool

Posted by ulaangirl.myopenid.com, January 1, 2009 11:27 AM

Actually Mongolian women can be the most beautiful in the world, although perhaps you should google for "asian fetish" and "deconstruct" for some balance.

Especially from the Gobi desert region, it is said by foreign travellers. You are lucky if you come from there, and lucky if you ever get to visit.

I think it is something to do with our ability to ride horses that we are so fit supple, capable, enduring and enthusiastic.
Nearly all the men from the USA I have met have been obese lazy self centred and incapable of keeping up with any Mongolian woman. We have to be fit to survive here. If we spent what you do on each of us we would be formidable.

Hollywood is not like the real thing dahling. You disappoint on your home turf too from what my friend says. Mongolian men may drink and be violent but at least we can deal with that if they know what's good for them.

Go on YouTube and type in Mongolian women or girls, they are not all contortionists or just ethnic looking, some wear lipstick even miles from anywhere in the desert. An illegal trade of Mongolian women into white slavery demonstrates they have a value that organized crime is prepared to pay to secure more for so called foreign "gentlemen".

I think you should apologise on your blog after investigating a few examples and offer some dollars to the few refuges or charities you can find trying to save some of these vulnerable beauties from fetishistic exploitation by foreign men.

We have Human Rights. Any argument you may have with another team should not bring the great name of Mongolia into it. We win any wrestling contest you care to enter, but you don't
do you, ypu just send us your Coca Cola factories and make fun of our poverty caused by living in an environment you would find hard to survive in to say the least.

It is not all about beer and hot girls, here you are a long way from Kansas. Don't confuse your needs with what we can provide. We are better than that. Some of us are educated too.
I teach English and some of my students do not wish to live in the USA because experience shows how shallow
you can be and treat us badly as women. Shame because we all like football. And the internet when it brings peoples closer not further apart.

Who knows, if you are more careful with what you say you might even ending up marrying a good hospitable Mongolian woman. You can find plenty if you can put up with minus 30 degrees and some suspicion you might not be worth lighting a fire for.
Otherwise why should we regard you as better in any way than us. And why would we want to come visit the USA if this is what you think of us and our country with its freedoms and beautiful open blue Asian sky.

Otherwise nice to read about your country on your blog.

Posted by Dr. Paine, January 3, 2009 2:18 AM

I thought it was hilarious. I'm not surprised that some people can't take a joke.

Posted by Chris in reply to comment from ulaangirl.myopenid.com, January 3, 2009 6:34 AM

How did you even find this blog? You know that this is about football, right? And not the football you're thinking... the American one.

-cw

Posted by Stir Crazy, January 7, 2009 3:45 PM

Okay...lets see..as i look @ the chiefs..ordeal...this is what i would do ...i am not gonna be cheap..and it for the long hall..and i am making my judgment from what i have seen from this year..

staff....all GONE ..ALL..
NEEDS ...QB..A REAL STARTER..THIGGY..NOT READY YET..CASSELL..WINS..
RB LJ UR GONE..3RD 7TH RD DRAFT PICK
HERE'S SURTAIN THE EGG DROP..TE..GONZO..DJ/..TRADE HOPEFULLY RAVENS..RAY LEW..AND 4RD PICK..I'LL TELL WHY LATER.AND I AM SPENDING MONEY FOR J..PEPPERS..WHAT EVER IT TAKES
if you think we played with rookies last year..this will be a another rebulid...but this is what will be differ..

I NEED MY DEFENSE TO BE ON SIGHT KILLERS...WHEN THAT UNIFORM GO ON BE LIKE THE MOST HATED COP..ON EARTH..I HAVE A JOB TO DO....HOW..THATS RAY LEW..AND PEPPERS...WE HAVE DEFENSE SWAGGER...AND A DAM LEADER..THE BEST IN THE GAME..PUT DORSEY WHERE HE BELONGS..AND CAN DO DAMAGE..THEM PICKS..1 PICK CURRY
NOW LOOK...PEPPERS TYLER DORSEY HALI...IF HALI FAILS MCBRIDE..IS READY..HE PLAYED WITH HEART..
THAT 1ST PICK..A CURRY...RAY LEW D WILLIAMS..
MY CBs AND SAFETYS..ARE LEGIT..RAY LEW..WILL MAKE SURE THEY DO THERE JOB...THAT WHY I HAVE HIM..TO GIVE THEM HEART...AND SWAGGER...AND EACH POSITONS HAS A GOOD BACK UP..DEFENSE SOLID..SOME MAY ASK WHY TRADE DJ...HIS TECHNICS ARE RUIN..THEY COACH HIM BAD OUT THE GATE..(DANG)AND IF B SPIKES IS ON THE BOARD BY 2ND ROUND..I WILL GET HIM ..FOR WHEN RAY LEW..MOVES ON....AND ALL OTHER PICKS LEFT WILL BE TO REVANT THAT LINE..CAUSE THERE ARE SOME ROAD GRATERS..COME OUT THIS YEAR...SOME VERY GOOD 3RDS..AND WE HAVE PICKS..TO DO THE JOB FROM THE TRADE..BRING IN A GOOD DEFENSE COACH AND RAY LEW...AND PEPPERS..TEACHING ALL THRU...AND WHERE AWSOME...

OFFENSE...CASSELL QB THIGGY WATCH AND LEARN
IF WE CAN LET SOME GO.....THAT DIDNT DO A THING IN 08...WHICH WILL NOT BE HARD..GET SPROLES..
WILL HAVE 3 3RD PICKS.OL...AND 4RD THERE ARE SOME..GOOD RB... FEEL IN SOME HOLES...LET THE OFFENSE CATCH UP TO THE DEFENSE GET SOME CHEMISTY..GOING...AND ..WE ARE IN THE PLAY OFFS..

LOOK @ THIS REAL GOOD FOLKS...IT CAN BE DONE..WITH OUT..HOPING. JUST PAY THE MONEY AND WHERE STILL UNDER THE CAP..AND WILL BE A YOUNG TEAM..FOR YEARS TO COME..

Posted by Krans, January 8, 2009 3:36 PM

Classic and pretty fricken hilarious lol

Love the LJ Catapult part,

the mongolian girl response i thought was a joke until i read it some more

I actually decided to Large picture google search mongolian women and here was the first result

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f0/Mongolian_women.jpg

i love blogs

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