MVN - Most Valuable Network

The Waiver Priority

High over the Rockies, a plane carrying four Seamless writers experienced engine trouble. The pilot struggled to maintain control as our executive jet lurched and shuddered. He was forced to put us down on a mountain lake, still frozen from winter. That was May 6^th. Since then, the Seamless Crew has hunted moose, slept in caves, and fought grizzlies while living with a pack of gray wolves. It’s been a long hard journey out of the mountains, but we made it.

There has been some closer craziness since last week. Jason Isringhausen and Eric Gagne have each endured brief hiatuses.

Ryan Franklin will be the Cardinals first option to close games with Izzy headed for the minors or the DL. Is this an extended “mental break”, or is there something else going on? A barking hip perhaps? He says he’s healthy, but after his explosion on Thursday, Izzy will get a bit more time off. Franklin is only owned 10.5% of fantasy leagues.

If you own Gagne, Guillermo Mota, Solomon Torres, or Brian Shouse, be prepared for ugliness. Wednesday night, Mota blew a save by giving up three earned runs on two hits and a walk. Unless you’re desperate for saves, I’d cut ties with everyone in the Brewers’ bullpen except for Gagne. None of their other ninth inning options figures to take the job and run with it. So, the Brewers will continue to turn to Gagne and pray.

A few other guys to keep your eye on if you’re speculating on saves:

Scott Downs quietly has five saves this year. While BJ Ryan has looked solid early in the season, he’s still only twelve months removed from Tommy John surgery. Downs has supplanted Jeremy Accardo as next-in-line for saves in Toronto.

Eddie Guardado picked up a save on Tuesday and would likely get first crack at the closer’s role should CJ Wilson falter.

Masa Kobayashi recorded a four out save on Tuesday and closed out Thursday’s game after Rafael Betancourt gave up two hits and a walk while getting only one out in the ninth inning. Joe Borowski will close games for Cleveland upon his return from the DL, but I’m skeptical he’ll finish the year in that role. Betancourt has proven he’s a great setup man but can’t seem to handle the pressure of being a closer. That leaves Kobayashi and his tidy 1.93 ERA and 1.13 WHIP.

Let’s go around the horn and check out a potential free agent at each position (% owned in a standard Foxsports.com league):

Chris Iannetta, C Colorado Rockies, 6.4% - I was a big Iannetta fan going into the ’07 season, but he couldn’t hold his own in the majors. Iannetta is a career .303/.409/.509 minor league hitter who has taken advantage of his recent playing time, going 10-for-27 with 2 home runs and nine RBIs since April 29^th. Though Yorvit Torrealba will continue to see the majority of games behind the plate for Colorado in the near future, keep your eye on Iannetta. He could be a valuable second half backstop.

Joey Votto, 1B/OF Cincinnati Reds, 37.1% - Votto’s ownership has risen 15.3% in the past week. A three home run game will do that for a guy. Dusty Baker got him in the Reds lineup early this season, and Votto has proven worthy with an .887 OPS.

Kaz Matsui, 2B Houston Astros, 14.5% - Back from injury, Matsui has increased his walk rate to 1.2 per nine innings this year. He’s swiped 8 bags and scored 22 runs with a .283 average in 99 at bats. Matsui should be owned in all but the shallowest mixed leagues.

Scott Rolen, 3B Toronto Blue Jays, 26.6% - With Vernon Wells on the shelf, Rolen has settled in to the clean up spot in Toronto’s lineup. He missed time at the beginning of the year due to a broken middle finger. But Rolen is on pace for a line similar to the one he posted in ’06 for the Cardinals - .296/.369/.518.

Stephen Drew, SS Arizona Diamondbacks, 30.2% - Drew has thrived hitting second for the Diamondbacks. He’s scored 7 runs in 33 at bats with a .333 average and a .609 slugging percentage from that spot in the lineup. Also, his ownership has risen 10.6% in the past week. Drew was recently quoted as saying, “I hit the ball hard last year, but it was right at people.” This year, his BABIP has risen 23 points, and Drew found his power stroke as evident by his .239 ISO.

Milton Bradley, OF Texas Rangers, 16.9% - Last week, the same man who tore his ACL arguing with an umpire in ‘07 actually held back Rangers’ catcher Gerald Laird during a brawl ignited by a high - but not so inside - pitch to Richie Sexson. In addition to his increased restraint, Bradley is hitting well this year and has a .89 BB/K ratio. If you don’t expect 500 at bats for him on your fantasy team, you won’t be disappointed.

Jeremy Hermida, OF Florida Marlins, 11.2% - His ownership level shocked me. I got caught up in the Hermida hype the past couple of seasons. This year, he’s posted a respectable .298/.348/.466 line and cemented himself in the two-hole, hitting in front of Hanley Ramirez in Florida. Go check out his post-break numbers from last year, highlighted by a .340 AVG and 10 HR in 256 at bats, and then go pick him up.

Carlos Gomez, OF Minnesota Twins, 38.8% - Gomez will have trouble scoring more than 80 runs with a .301 OBP. And while he currently leads the American League with 16 steals, his inability to take a walk will limit his stolen base potential too. However, if you’re looking to make up ground in steals, there are few who can do that as quickly as Gomez.

Since You’ve Been Gone

(Headline credit: Kelly Clarkson)

You’ll be happy — or disheartened, as it may be — to learn that I am finished with this little experiment called college. Best of all: I wasn’t even forcibly asked to leave. Through some luck of the draw, the University of Missouri has called upon me to graduate, after a measly four years. And they’re giving me a diploma as a parting gift.

I’m not leaving college with a bang, but with a slow, pathetic whimper, having just bombed my final in Elementary Piano, an elective I took specifically so I could take tests that I would not bomb. I was asked to perform five different songs, of which I could play all of zero effectively, including a rendition of “Hey Jude” that probably left Mr. Lennon turning in his urn.

So I’ve turned to Seamless Baseball to ease me out of the funk. It’s been awhile.

What’s happened since I’ve been gone? Lots of things. For one, Lance Berkman is currently on pace for 173 runs, 64 doubles, 56 homers, 161 RBI, 24 steals and a .388 batting average.

Other notable things:
— Rangers outfielder David Murphy currently leads the AL in doubles, with 15. He’s on pace for 58.

— Jacoby Ellsbury is the second coming of Grady Sizemore. He’s leading the AL in runs (31) despite collecting only 117 at-bats, 54 less than the next highest on that list, Carl Crawford. He’s also stolen 15 bases and never been caught.

— Carlos Quentin currently leads the AL in homers, with 10, and all things considered, his .401 OBP looks semi-legit. He’s on pace for 42 homers and 144 RBI. To think, all it cost the White Sox was this guy.

— Can we cut all this talk about Daniel Cabrera finally maturing? Sure, he’s 4-1, but he’s pitching exactly like he always has, with slightly better and luckier results. He’s still walking a ton of batters (3.58/9) and striking out less (5.52/9). The only real thing that has changed is his super-lucky BABIP, which currently sits at .240. Combine that with an 80% strand rate, and you’ll see why Cabrera’s ERA is his career low, and why it’s due for a huge spike in the upcoming months.

— This week’s proof that batting average is devilishly overrated: Nick Johnson is currently hitting .220 but is fifth in baseball in Win Probability Added. He’s walking in nearly one-in-four plate appearances.

— Jim Edmonds? Really?

So, be honest: did you miss me?

The Closer Continuum: Slovenly Eric Gagne, Calling Myself Out

First of all, I need to call myself out: last week, during a discussion of Gary Sheffield as a buy-low candidate, I claimed that “Jim Leyland will continue to insert him in the three-hole until he can’t play.” One week later, the Detroit Tigers lineup for tonight reads as follows:

1. Curtis Granderson, OF
2. Placido Polanco, 2B
3. Carlos Guillen, 3B
4. Magglio Ordonez, DH
5. Miguel Cabrera, 1B
6. Gary Sheffield, LF
7. Matt Joyce, RF
8. Edgar Renteria, SS
9. Ivan Rodriguez, C

I still see Sheffield as a buy-low, and you might be able to buy even lower now. The aforementioned prospect of trading Mark Reynolds for Sheffield becomes increasingly appealing as Reynolds’ batting average edges closer to the Mendoza Line.

This lineup change is obviously very good news for Carlos Guillen owners. Will it stick? Hard to tell, although if the Tigers start winning ballgames, it very well could.

As for closers, have you watched Eric Gagne pitch lately? Not only has he been struggling with his performance, he has been struggling with the fit of his uniform. It has bordered on the ridiculous, with his shirt untucked, shoes untied, pants three or four sizes too large - not to mention his grotesque fire hazard of a beard, ridiculous hair spilling out of his hat, and general air of slovenliness.

Fantasy owners don’t care how players look, though, as long as they’re playing well. Gagne has not been playing very well. He’s blown 5 of 14 saves. His shaggy look has become increasingly annoying. As I think I’ve mentioned here before, though, and as many other pundits have said, the Brewers are paying Mr. Gagne more money than you and I will probably ever see in our lifetime - a cool 10 million U.S. dollars. He’ll get a few more chances. Don’t forget, too - Gagne was atrocious in a setup role for the Red Sox last year, and Ned Yost and friends know this. Take him out of the ninth, and you have to put him somewhere else. What are you going to do, trade him and his eight figure salary? No. Demote him? Obviously not. So I really think that the Brewers will just keep trotting him out there until he blows three or four in a row. Does it make sense to add Guillermo Mota or Salomon Torres? Sure, if you’ve got the room. I just don’t see a change happening yet.

Brandon Lyon continues to defy his own suckiness by, well, not sucking. Since his last blown save, Lyon has converted eight saves in a row, and he now has a 2.40 ERA and 0.93 WHIP for the season. Not too many of us were calling for those numbers in early April. Can Lyon keep this up? Actually, as strange as it feels to say it, I think he can. Will he end with a WHIP below 1.00? No. But if you look at Lyon’s last two seasons, he hasn’t been that bad:

2006: 3.89 ERA, 1.30 WHIP
2007: 2.68 ERA, 1.24 WHIP

An ERA around 3.50 and a WHIP around 1.30 is certainly doable for Lyon. He could end up with a very underrated 35 saves. Then again, if he blows up, Mr. Max Scherzer will be lurking.

The rankings:

1. Jonathan Papelbon, BOS (Hideki Okajima)
2. Joe Nathan, MIN (Pat Neshek) (2)
3. Mariano Rivera, NYY (Joba Chamberlain) (4)
4. Takashi Saito, LAD (Jonathan Broxton) (3)
5. Billy Wagner, NYM (P. Feliciano, D. Sanchez, A.Heilman) (5)

6. Joakim Soria, KAN (Joel Peralta, Leo Nunez) (8)
7. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA (Scot Shields, Justin Speier) (7)
8. Huston Street, OAK (Keith Foulke, Alan Embree, Santiago Casilla) (9)
9. J.J. Putz (B. Morrow, M. Lowe) (NA)
10. Bobby Jenks, CHW (Octavio Dotel, Scott Linebrink) (6)
11. Francisco Cordero, CIN (David Weathers) (10)
12. Jose Valverde, HOU (Doug Brocail) (12)
13. Brad Lidge, PHI (Tom Gordon) (17)
14. Trevor Hoffman, SDG (Heath Bell) (11)
15. Matt Capps, PIT (Damaso Marte) (14)

16. B.J. Ryan, TOR (Scott Downs, Jesse Carlson) (23)
17. Jason Isringhausen, STL (Ryan Franklin) (13)
18. Brian Fuentes, COL (Taylor Buchholz) (NA)
19. Troy Percival, TAM (Dan Wheeler, Al Reyes [DL]) (21)
20. Kerry Wood, CHC (Carlos Marmol, Bobby Howry) (16)
21. Kevin Gregg, FLA (Matt Lindstrom) (20)
22. Brandon Lyon, ARI (Tony Pena, Chad Qualls) (27)
23. Todd Jones, DET (Aquilino Lopez, Clay Rapada) (24)

24. Brian Wilson, SNF (Tyler Walker, Merkin Valdez) (22)
25. C.J. Wilson, TEX (Eddie Guardado, Joaquin Benoit) (26)
26. George Sherrill, BAL (Jamie Walker, Dennis Sarfate) (25)
27. Jon Rauch, WAS (Luis Ayala) (29)
28. Eric Gagne, MIL (Guillermo Mota, Salomon Torres) (19)
29. Rafael Betancourt, CLE (Masahide Kobayashi, Joe Borowski [DL]) (18)
30. Manny Acosta, ATL (J. Smoltz, R. Soriano [DL], M. Gonzalez [DL]) (28)

The Waiver Priority: Is Scherzer Worth a #1?

Max Scherzer comes off waivers in Yahoo leagues tomorrow. His numbers with the AAA Tucson Sidewinders this year were marvelous – 23 IP, 38 K, 3 BB, 1.17 ERA. Scherzer continued his dominance in the majors on Tuesday night as he went four and a third perfect innings with seven strikeouts against Houston. Yesterday, he was promoted to the Diamondbacks’ starting rotation. Scherzer will replace Edgar Gonzalez as the team’s fifth starter. He’ll get his first start against the Phillies next Monday.

There’s no doubt he’s worth a pick up. But should you use a number one waiver priority on Scherzer?

I’ve vacillated on this a few times since hearing of Scherzer’s call up on Sunday afternoon. When I first saw the news on Rotoworld, I immediately thought about picking him up in the only league where I could claim him with a place-holder rather than waiting for him to clear waivers. I balked. All I had to do was drop Chad Qualls, Tony Pena, or Griffey Jr., but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I was a bit jaded by all of the Johnny Cueto love earlier this year. Both are going to be great pitchers. But I refuse to put too much stock in a couple starts. Young pitchers usually take a while to get acclimated to major league hitting. Cueto’s taking some shots now (though his 33/6 K/BB is still impressive), and Scherzer will endure the same.

Scherzer is worth a number one waiver priority because he’s getting a chance to prove himself in the rotation. He’s on a tear right now, and if he puts up great numbers in his first few starts, he could stick for a little while. However, the Diamondbacks say that Doug Davis will get his spot back when he returns from surgery for thyroid cancer later this month. Also, Scherzer only pitched 103 innings last year, so the team won’t push him.

The Joba comparison has been thrown around a lot. It seems apt. I think Scherzer will come out of the pen for most of the year. But even as a reliever, he’s got the talent to bolster your fantasy team’s ratios and strikeouts.

If he does retain a spot in the starting rotation, Scherzer’s innings will be limited. In that case, I think his ceiling is Jered Weaver’s 2006 – 123 IP, 105 K, 1.03 WHIP, 2.56 ERA. Though bumps are more likely, the chance that he continues to dominate is worth the relatively cheap gamble of a using a number one waiver priority on Scherzer.

Stock Watch: Gary Sheffield and Nate McLouth

Puddles and umbrellas in New Haven. I think Jim cursed the sun away.

My oral exam for admittance to Ph.D. candidacy is in two weeks - on my birthday, oddly enough. May 12, from 2-4 PM. If you’re conscious during those two hours, I ask that you send me all of the positive vibes you’ve got. There is a legitimate anxiety factor here.

To escape, of course, I have fantasy baseball. Last time I was on a plane with my girlfriend, we were reading through the in-flight safety instruction manual, and it included “emotional support animal” as an item that could be taken on board. If my iguana makes me feel better about myself, can he come along for the flight? Fantasy baseball is my emotional support animal.

It’s probably too late to buy low on Curtis Granderson and Magglio Ordonez, but Gary Sheffield remains an intriguing Detroit Tiger to consider in a trade offer. His shoulder is a concern, but that’s part of the reason why you can get him on the cheap. Jim Leyland will continue to insert him in the three-hole until he can’t play, and if you can get him for Mark Reynolds (last 18 AB: 12 K, 0 BB), I’d seriously consider it. Don’t forget that Sheffield got off to a very slow start last year, too (April 2007: .200 BA, .675 OPS) - and don’t forget what he did when he got his timing back and the weather warmed up a bit (May 2007, 109 AB: 24 R, 10 HR, 22 RBI, 3 SB, .321 BA).

Until this past weekend, I was beginning to think Nate McLouth was a sell high candidate. Now, after McLouth hit three home runs over Saturday and Sunday, I’m beginning to think that he’s becoming a hold. Anytime a player can negotiate a slump and bounce back like McClouth did convinces me that he has the skill set to sustain this type of production over an entire season. Strangely enough, I might even say McLouth is a buy low right now, as owners might be looking to cut bait after a month of hot production. Expect a drop off, but I’m thinking .290/100/25/80/25. Note the 13/13 K/BB ratio and 10 doubles in April.

It appears that my call (and the call of many others) to buy low on C.C. Sabathia was the right one. You might still be able to get him at a bit of a discount. I’d go for it.

Ryan Howard is an obvious buy low, as he is a notorious slow starter: .777 career OPS in April, .973 and up from May on.

Don’t forget to keep tabs on your league standings. Make a note of all of the category standings on April 30th, on May 15th, and so on. Track your position in the standings and know if you are gaining or losing ground, and if your opponents are gaining or losing ground in each category. Use the information to plan trade offers and project performance. I like to keep it all in a spreadsheet, and, if you use standing gains points (SGP), you can begin to see them solidify as the year progresses.

The Waiver Priority: Closer Speculation

You know the adage - “never pay for saves.” Every year, many fantasy owners wish they hadn’t followed the advice so strictly. But remember, closers are volatile. That’s the primary rationale for the “never pay for saves” approach.

If you own closers that have retained their jobs so far this year but have gotten few save opportunities, sit tight. The opportunities will come. If your closers have been bitten by the injury and/or ineffectiveness bugs, don’t throw out trade offers in panic. You’ll pay a premium price for saves early in the season, and it’s just not worth it. After a few more 9^th inning jobs change hands and the owners in your league start to get a better idea where they stand in each category, saves will get cheaper.

The Closer Continuum is great for assessing the value of current closers. Here, I’ll look at potential free agents who could, if things work out and the sun sets at 29 degrees SSW latitude on Katilsday, get you a few saves this year. Speculating on saves is a tricky venture that can be frustrating, as well as time and roster spot consuming. But it’s more than worth the effort when you don’t have to give up a key player just to help your team excel in one category.

Jeremy Accardo, Toronto Blue Jays – When reports came out in spring training that BJ Ryan was going to be ready at the beginning of the year, I was on board with Edwin who didn’t figure that Accardo would see nearly as many save opportunities as most fantasy owners assumed. Because Ryan won’t pitch back-to-back days for the foreseeable future, Accardo will get a few more saves. Just don’t bank on him returning to the closer role full time. If Ryan hits the DL at some point this year, Accardo will likely be the first reliever the Jays call upon to work the 9^th, but it would take a major problem with Ryan’s arm for Accardo to gain significant value. If he’s a free agent in your league and you’re desperate for saves, Accardo’s not a bad short term option.

Doug Brocail, Houston Astros – I’m fascinated by players with odd splits and seemingly unexplainable trends. For some reason, Jose Valverde does not pitch well in even numbered years. Having surrendered more than 2 earned runs in 3 of his last 7 outings, Valverde is well on his way to reinforcing his own statistical oddity. The Astros won’t be too inclined to stray from their new closer any time soon, but he has a history of wild implosions that makes this situation worth watching. Brocail, before his last appearance, sported a 0.84 ERA and a 12/2 K/BB ratio. The soon to be 41 year old is certainly not the long term answer in Houston, but he’ll be a nice stopgap if Valverde continues singing the “Even Numbered Year Blues.”

Brian Fuentes, Colorado Rockies – Okay, so this is a bit of a cop out. Colorado is giving Corpas a break in light of his recent struggles, and Fuentes has excelled as their closer before. I do think Corpas will have a chance to get his job back in the near future, but Fuentes should be picked up across the board.

Mike Gonzalez, Atlanta Braves – Manny Acosta became the Braves’ closer when elbow tendonitis forced Rafael Soriano to the DL. But, if Soriano can’t get or stay healthy, something he’s had a difficult time with in the past, Acosta might not be the Braves best option for saves the rest of this year. Gonzalez is way ahead of schedule in his bid to return from Tommy John surgery. Estimates place him back in the Braves pen by the end of May. Gonzalez has closing experience and a career strike out rate close to 10 per 9 innings. If you have an open DL spot and are in need of saves, he’s a great speculative pick up because he won’t even take up roster space right now.

Mota/Riske/Torres/Turnbow, Milwaukee Brewers – This situation is messy. First of all, don’t waste your time with the Turnbow simply because he got a save last night. He’s too wild and the Brewers are likely just trying to showcase him to increase his trade value. Riske, an early season favorite to take over when Gagne fails, has been atrocious. Torres has been the Brewers’ most consistent arm out of the pen this year. Keep an eye on him. And then there’s Mota, whom I think gets the first shot at closing should Gagne continue to excite Brewer masochists. Pitching coach Bill Castro recently sat down with Mota and showed him video of his prime years with the Dodgers. Castro wants him to stand up tall and pitch with a higher arm angle so as to best utilize his 6’6” frame. Except for last night, the results have looked pretty good so far. Gagne’s got a long leash, but if he falters a couple more times, Mota is the Brewers’ best option.

Tony Pena/Chad Qualls, Arizona Diamondbacks – Fantasy owners assumed that Pena would take over for always shaky Brandon Lyon early this season. I hedged my bets by picking up both Pena and Qualls on one team earlier this year. Now Lyon looks solid enough to keep his job for a while longer. The problem is that it’s unclear whether Pena would still get first crack at closing if Lyon blows up. Despite early season struggles, he has continued to work the 8^th inning in between Qualls and Lyon. But Qualls has yet to allow an earned run in middle relief and will contribute to fantasy teams more than Pena in that role. If you’re looking for saves though, the speculative choice is still appears to be Pena.

Jon Rauch, Washington Nationals – Well, he’s probably owned right now. But I list him here because Rauch may find himself back on fantasy waiver wires soon. Two days ago, Manny Acta said the Nationals would start working Cordero back into the closer role. A few hours later, Cordero was scheduled to see the infamous Dr. James Andrews. The results of his visit were actually quite positive. The clicking in his shoulder was just the result of weakness and tendonitis. I guess you can call that positive. It certainly helps explain why Cordero was throwing his fastball in the high seventies a couple weeks ago. As soon as he can consistently pitch in the mid to high eighties, he’ll be pushed back into 9^th inning duty. The Nationals would love for Cordero to regain his old form quickly so they can turn around and get something for him prior to the trade deadline. The moral of the story is, Rauch isn’t a great pitcher, but if he’s soon dropped in your league, consider him a good bet for saves later this year (that is, if he isn’t traded too).

Scot Shields, LA Angles of Anaheim – KRod has been dealing with not one, but two bum ankles for almost a year, and it appears to be affecting his command. Though he’s only blown one save to date, KRod’s K/BB rate of 8/7 is a bit alarming. Mike Scioscia isn’t doing him any favors marching him out there 5 out of 6 days last week. Shields, however, appears to be back to his dominant self now that he’s healthy. He’ll provide you with elite innings even if he never sees a save chance, and he’s available in many leagues because of his early season trip to the DL.

Baseball’s Early-Season Obituaries

As one of the nation’s lone heterosexuals who still reads Esquire, I feel an obligation to let you know when they write something truly tremendous, like this mock obituary page. Upon reading it, I realized that it could probably work for baseball. Let me know if you think this should be a recurring feature.

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Zack Greinke as a Scared Child, 3, Dead
Sad news last week as Zack Greinke’s tenure as a frightened boy passed away. He was three. The death occurred after yet another dazzling performance by the young Royals pitcher, raising his record to 3-0 while lowering his ERA to 1.24.

After opening his career with promise, the wheels came off in 2005, when he lost 17 games and generally looked like a child whose pogs had just been stolen. Since then, those close to him reported Greinke repeatedly saying that he would “rather be a hittuh” with an adorable speech impediment. On more than one occasion, he asked manager Buddy Bell to take him to the zoo.

But the rest of the Royals are also maturing, and this development isn’t universally welcomed. Said one fantasy manager, “I miss the halcyon days when I could stream any pitcher against the Royals knowing full well that the scariest hitter on their team was Joe Randa. I miss the days when a major league team declared Darrell May their ace. I miss the days when Zack Greinke would piss the bed.”

Greinke the scared child is survived by Greinke the dominant starter.

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Hope for Andruw Jones, 2, Dies
The hope for a return of Andruw Jones to something resembling a serviceable major league hitter died Monday. It was two years old.

The death was reported only minutes after Jones’ last fumbling at-bat against the Reds, a game in which he was demoted to the eighth spot in the order for the first time since 1998. He returned his manager’s confidence in suit, going 0-for-4 against such past Cy Young winners as Matt Belisle and Josh Fogg. More impressively, he did it while his slumping team scored 9 runs and smacked 15 hits.

After he single-handedly proved the contract year theory wrong last year, he was doing even worse this year, his batting average sinking to a lowly .156. He is survived by his ridiculous contract, his middle name (Rudolf), and his frequently awkward ass-out, knee-in-the-dirt swings.

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Hank Steinbrenner’s Interorganizational Power, 0, Dead
The interorganizational power of Hank Steinbrenner, bestowed upon him by his infamous father, went missing Sunday. It is presumed dead.

Hank’s power was last impotently wielded on Sunday, when he questioned Brian Cashman’s handling of 22-year-old wunderkind Joba Chamberlain. Said Steinbrenner to the New York Times, “There is no question about it, you don’t have a guy with a 100-mile-per-hour fastball and keep him as a setup guy. You just don’t do that. You have to be an idiot to do that.”

Proving his power within the organization never really existed, Steinbrenner was then gently coddled by the man supposedly below him on the depth chart. Said Cashman, “My best advice to anybody in a pressure situation is to keep things simple and not get caught up in things like this.” He then told reporters, “Isn’t it just precious when Hank gets all worked up like this? It’s like he’s trying to be his father. Cutest thing ever.”

Rendered powerless, Steinbrenner then looked on with doe eyes as Cashman told Newsday that “Joba’s staying in the rotation right now.”

Steinbrenner was last seen loitering aimlessly within Yankee Stadium, asking stadium vendors and security personnel if they “needed any help with anything.” Hank’s power is survived by his sense of entitlement.