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Fire Brand of the American League
Bellhorn vs. Graffanino vs. Lamprey
Hi! I’m Sam, aka the Boston Fan in Michigan. You may know me from such fine internet establishments as Blue Cats and Red Sox and Roar of the Tigers. I’m here today to provide an in-depth look at one of the most vital questions plaguing the Boston Red Sox today.
If you had to choose a second baseman from a pool consisting of Mark Bellhorn, Tony Graffanino, and a Dead Sea Lamprey, who should you choose?
Because I’m all about the Science, we’ll look at this point-by-point.
Age
Bellhorn will be 31 in August, Graffanino is 33. The dead sea lamprey has a sort of Age-Gate thing going on, because we can’t quite be sure how old he is. Any birth certificate he produces is almost certainly a falsified document, but educated estimates place him at about a year old.
Bellhorn isn’t terribly old for a second baseman, and he’s been relatively durable. Graffanino is older, and is used to logging less innings. The sea lamprey, though with the advantage of youth, is already in a state of decay, and as such has little future with the team.
EDGE: Bellhorn
Strikeouts
Bellhorn has 109 on the season, Graffanino has 31, the dead sea lamprey would have around 5. He’s a terrible contact hitter, can’t get anything going with the bat. A lack of opposable thumbs or, indeed, true skeletal structure might have come into play here. But the fact remains that his strikezone is prohibitively small, so he just doesn’t strike out that often.
Graffanino has many fewer at-bats than Bellhorn does, but he still strikes out a lot less.
EDGE: dead sea lamprey
OBP
Bellhorn’s is .328, Graffanino’s is 3.79, the dead sea lamprey’s would be around .468. Standing mere inches off the plate, he has an imposingly small strikezone that most pitchers can’t handle. He talks a lot of walks as a result, which is good, because he basically cannot hit the ball.
The difference between batting average and OBP for Bellhorn is .112, for Graffanino it’s .079, and for the dead sea lamprey, assuming a sad BA of around .179, the difference is .292. Bellhorn walks much more than he hits, but the dead sea lamprey clearly takes the biscuit here.
EDGE: dead sea lamprey
Power
Bellhorn is slugging .360, Graffanino is slugging .390, and the dead sea lamprey is slugging .100. Graffanino’s numbers are indicative of a smaller sample size than what Bellhorn has; I don’t actuallly think he’s got more power. Over his careeer Bellhorn has slugged .412 while Graffanino slugged .388. That sounds about right.
As for the dead sea lamprey, well, we’re assuming this is an American League dead sea lamprey, which means that at least once he gets to face Jose ‘Homerun Machine’ Lima, which is all that’s keeping his SLG percentage from being .000.
EDGE: Bellhorn, Graffanino in an ‘on’ year.
Speed
Bellhorn has a 43.3 stolen base percentage, Graffanino has a 45.5% one. That’s comparable. Neither guy is terrifically quick but neither is particularly lead-footed.
The dead sea lamprey is fantastic on the basepaths. He can slide easily in under tags, and opposing catchers are loathe to approach his leaking, rasping mouth when he slides into home.
EDGE: dead sea lamprey
Hotness
Tony G isn’t half bad, and he recently showed up for an in-clubhouse postgame interview on NESN in a sleeveless shirt, which caused much joy. He’s got an angled kind of jawline that is very nice, and he’s got the whole dark Italian look going.
The Bellhorn attraction I do not understand. He’s not fat, that’s about all I got. Beyond that his face is not pleasing, his hair is disgusting, and he has the emotive range of a piece of wet cardboard. He often looks like a homeless man who happened to wander onto the field and find himself in a Red Sox uniform. Not hot.
The dead sea lamprey is greenish, mottled, and glistening. He has 7 breathing holes in his body, a powerful caudal tail, and a powerful rasping mouth. Probably pretty hot if you’re into that kind of thing.
EDGE: Graffanino
Obviously, if Theo were truly dedicated to fielding the best team he possibly can, he would sign that dead sea lamprey immediately and stick him at second base. Despite his rotting smell, he would probably be instantly more affable than Mark Bellhorn.
This entry was posted
on Friday, July 29th, 2005 at 2:38 am and is filed under Boston Red Sox / Guest Columns.
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16 Responses to “Bellhorn vs. Graffanino vs. Lamprey”
July 29th, 2005 at 9:15 am
I bet Theo could sign the dead sea lamprey for pretty cheap, too! But I must admit some concern about the DSLs abilities on the double play.
July 29th, 2005 at 10:19 am
I’m about to choke on my morning bagel while reading this. Or short out my laptop by spitting coffee on it. Hilarious. Well done, Samuel, well done.
July 29th, 2005 at 10:30 am
//the dead sea lamprey would have around 5.//
how did you arrive at these conclusions?
July 29th, 2005 at 12:05 pm
Jen, he probably could! Lock ‘em in while they’re still young and cheap, that’s what I say. And I don’t know, he’s got, as they say, a rubber arm… might be fine for double plays. ;)
Ian, I’m glad I caused you all that breakfast distress. My work here is done.
Beth: SCIENCE!
July 29th, 2005 at 12:20 pm
I noticed a flaw in your analysis though. Where would the guys rank in fielding? Bellhorn turns a good double play though his range isn’t terribly great. Graffanino is quite new but seems good with the glove. But the dead sea lampry? Does he even have a glove? Wouldn’t he just get smooshed to bits if he had to field?
Perhaps the dead sea lampry would make a good back-up DH.
July 29th, 2005 at 12:59 pm
Good point Annette. The problem with the dead sea lamprey’s fielding isn’t his lack of glove… after all, his rasping mouth would work just as well. His issue is lack of range, and a woeful reaction time.
You know, I just had a look, and Bellhorn’s lifetime fielding percentage at 2B is .979. Graffanino’s lifetime fielding percentage at 2B is… .979. I give the slight edge to Bellhorn, just on the basis that I’ve seen him more and at least know what to expect.
The post still stands, though, and the dead sea lamprey is clearly the best choice here.
July 29th, 2005 at 1:15 pm
HILARIOUS!
July 29th, 2005 at 2:38 pm
All of this may be true, but I’ve heard bad things about the lamprey’s clubhouse presence… We are, after all, talking about a parasitic fish that injects an anti-coagulant into its prey’s bloodstream… and this team needs more coagulation, not less. I’d rathr see the team acquire a more team-player type fish. Maybe a carp.
July 29th, 2005 at 2:45 pm
Man, Andrew, don’t talk about stuff you clearly don’t understand! Have you ever been teammates with a dead sea lamprey? You don’t know how he is in the lockerroom! Maybe his teammates are OK with the parasitism…. it’s just the dead sea lamprey being a dead sea lamprey!
(and it is SO not a fish) ;)
July 29th, 2005 at 6:34 pm
I talked to two anonymous veteran tuna just this morning. Frankly, they’re just as tired of the lamprey as I am… In fact, one of them went on to say “That Sam person never holds him accountable. I’ve never seen a lamprey get such a free pass. You all think it’s a joke, ‘The lamprey being the lamprey.’ What is ”The lamprey being the lamprey?’ Him bloodsucking our backup catcher?”
July 29th, 2005 at 7:26 pm
You’re both missing the point… who cares if he’s bloodsucking in the clubhouse or not? We’ve got big guys on the team, they’re major leaguers, they can spare a pint or two. The point is that the dead sea lamprey is PUTTING UP THE NUMBERS. Who cares if he’s bloodsucking all the damn time and twice on Sundays when his OBP is that good?
Honestly. The game is advancing beyond those stone-age, ‘that fish looks good in a hat’ recruitement methods. Haven’t you seen the Oakland A’s? They’ve succeeded with a team of nothing BUT dead sea lampreys in the field sometimes!
July 29th, 2005 at 8:28 pm
This is all too much for me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s a riot, but … well, for once, I don’t have anything to say except that I think any sort of edible acquatic life should immeiately be excluded from all trade discussions. After all, with all the paunch on this Red Sox team, not to mention all the GIDP’s, it’s pretty clear that this team knows how to eat like World Champions. That being the case, an edible teammate would probably not last very long in our clubhouse.
Which is another notch for the lamprey, I guess. I dunno, anybody ever try to eat one of those things? How would you cook it? I’m guessing battered & baked — to cover some of the taste.
July 30th, 2005 at 2:09 am
I would not recommend eating a dead sea lamprey. Then again, this is a team with David Wells and Kevin Millar on it, so anything is possible and perhaps it’s something we would need to consider closely.
August 5th, 2005 at 5:00 pm
Hilarious! As you might guess from my URL, I’m biased in this debate, but I really can’t fathom how anyone can look at Graffanino’s mug and give him the edge in hotness. You must really love the, erm, ethnic look. Bellhorn is nondescript looking, except for that perpetual “Pigpen” thing. I would say neither gets any points in the “hotness” category.
August 9th, 2005 at 9:43 am
I heard the Yankees are on the verge of inking a 4 year deal with the dead sea lamprey worth $80M.
August 10th, 2005 at 2:32 pm
Great Point!
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