photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein
Jordan Tata breaks his hand the stupid way
Oh man, you know who I did NOT want to see in Spring Training? Huh? Can you guess? I’ll give you a hint: he’s orange, he makes his nests out of energy drink cans and discarded slinkies, and I don’t even have the patience for hinting right now so HE’S THE SPAZZOSAURUS.
But no, we have to meet up with the Spazzosaurus before it’s even FREAKING APRIL because Jordan Tata is a gigantic pile of IDIOCY and pathetically raging male hormones and went and BROKE HIS HAND PUNCHING A DOOR.
WAY TO BE THE NEW KYLE FARNSWORTH, TATA.
The Spazzosaurus is having a frelling FEAST on this one, because Tata’s injury is 100% spazz-out. It wasn’t an accident. It wasn’t an in-game injury. It wasn’t even like he got in a fight with someone else. He got pissed off because he’s been having a lousy spring, and he punched a door. Because the way to improve a lousy spring is to punch inanimate objects. Why couldn’t he have just THROWN SOMETHING FOR CATS’ SAKES?
Yeah, it’s his pitching hand. Of course it’s his pitching hand! WHY THE HELL WOULDN’T IT BE HIS PITCHING HAND, YOU KNOW, TO MAKE SURE THIS IS AS ASININE AN INJURY AS POSSIBLE.
Last I heard the estimate was about 6 weeks. Oh, and he said his shoulder was hurting him, which is why his pitching had been sucking raccoon nuts before this. Maybe putting him on forced rest for 6 weeks will benefit his shoulder in the long run. Probably not, though. With our luck he’ll come back in 6 weeks and his shoulder will need another month to get back up to playing ability, or the pain will be an infestation of parasitic worms that have taken up residence under his shoulderblade and will have eaten away most of his shoulder tendons before the team doctors find them.
The only people who can feel good about this are the Spazzosaurus and Joel Zumaya. The Spazzosaurus is obvious. Zoom can feel good because he’s no longer the most irritatingly irresponsible Tiger on the team.
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on Monday, March 10th, 2008 at 11:41 am and is filed under Spazzosaurus, injury, Tata.
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15 Responses to “Jordan Tata breaks his hand the stupid way”
March 10th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
What a f*cking knob.
March 10th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Yes, as you can perhaps tell, I am not exactly pleased with this development.
March 10th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
And to think, I met Tata at TigerFest…:-/
March 10th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
I love how he throws up the smokescreen of his shoulder injury from the previous season to detract attention from the dumbassery of the broken hand. NOT WORKING, JORDAN.
March 10th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Your title suggests there is a smart way to break your hand.
Perhaps if you used quantum physics?
March 11th, 2008 at 4:27 am
but he’s so damn hot! the spazzasaurus must’ve been attracted to his radiant heat.
March 11th, 2008 at 4:56 am
Lauren, let’s be glad this happened after TigerFest, then.
ivan, yeah, I mean, obviously SOMETHING is wrong with him, because he really was pitching like raccoon nuts, but it just sounds an awful lot like he’s desperate for something to blame his struggles on.
Adam, not ’smart’ exactly… I think the converse of ’stupid’ here would be ‘unavoidable accident’.
tiff, well, he’s got lots of time to play with his hair gel in front of the mirror now. :P
March 12th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Brenna says, JESUS GOD.
March 13th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
Like Judge Judy says, beauty fades but dumb is forever!
March 15th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Well, to be fair to poor Tata, Al Kaline of all people did something similar to himself in ‘67. Might have cost the Tigers the pennant. We forgive him, anyway.
March 16th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Still don’t feel sorry for him. Or Al Kaline actually. At least it’s not like Tata was going to make the team. Still hurts the pitching depth-wise though. Oh well.
March 19th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
I just got back from a Spring training trip… and while Tata getting hurt this way does suck quite a bit at least I got to see the Spazzosaurus. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, now next time I hope they are chewing on Indians players.
March 20th, 2008 at 5:02 am
rea, let’s put it this way: if Tata manages to come back and eventually turns out to be as important to the Tigers as Kaline is/was, then yes. Yes, most definitely, all will be forgiven, and he will look back on the time of the Spazzosaurus and laugh. I’ll wait and see if that happens, though. ;)
Paul, yeah, wasn’t expecting to see the Spazzosaurus so very EARLY, is all. Hopefully he’ll have eaten his fill now for a while.
March 23rd, 2008 at 6:31 pm
I realize, that as a sports columnist, you are sadly assigned the duty of a blood sucker, otherwise you’d be standing on street corners acting your way towards middle class society, right?
Well I hope not, but that’s what I get for assuming. Just as you have done by presenting Jordan’s shoulder problem as his way of blaming his careless, self-inflicted injury on a problem every pitcher struggles with. Well done Samara, really, very well done. Not only is the evidence you have provided TOTALLY ACCURATE, but just the fact that an upstanding person such as yourself has written it, well then every set of eyes that has the pleasure of reading your article on Tata should believe that he has JUST NOW decided to say his shoulder is bothering him.
Its media, such as yourself, whether your column is based on sports satire or not, that plants seeds in the minds of sports fans everywhere, tainting the good names of athletes like Jordan Tata. If your going to write sports satire write about the athletes that really do jepordize the image of the sport. The ones that cheat by using steriods and are seen with a different woman every night when they have a wife and kids at home, not the guys like Tata. He is too good of a guy to have such a dark light cast upon him.
I know for a fact that his shoulder was bothering him far before he ever punched a door, and in fact it was his shoulder that drove him to no longer have control of his emotions. I am not saying it wasn’t a stupid way to go about handling his emotions, but I am saying that emotions get the best of all of us, especially athletes who know they are not playing up to there potential.
If your going to be a sarcastic asshole towards a quality player and even more outstanding human being, get you facts straight.
March 23rd, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Lauren, I’m afraid I’d be able to put a lot more weight in your terrifically informative comment if you understood a) paragraph breaks and b) proper usage of you/you’re/your. At least it would be easier to read, which would help us all.
However, in the interest of fairness!
a) I’m not a ’sports columnist’. This is a blog; I am a blogger. I’m not ‘assigned’ anything. I don’t do this for profit. I do it on a voluntary basis. Because this is MVN and not just an independent blog, there are general MVN guidelines, but this is not a newspaper or ESPN. Some people seem to have trouble making this distinction, and I think it’s an important one.
b) Middle class whut whut?
c) //Just as you have done by presenting Jordan’s shoulder problem as his way of blaming his careless, self-inflicted injury on a problem every pitcher struggles with.//
I don’t really understand what you’re getting at here. Every pitcher has shoulder problems? I would certainly say that a lot of them do. The broken hand was a careless, self-inflicted injury? Yes indeed. So…. your point?
d) I suggested– tentatively, and in comments, not the main body of the post– that perhaps Tata mentioning his shoulder problems at this time was an attempt to distract from the fact that he took himself out of the game; i.e. by saying he might have had to take time off ANYWAYS, maybe breaking his hand wasn’t so VERY bad, or that since his shoulder hurt, his door-punch was understandable. I stand by that assessment of the situation. It’s certainly well within the realm of logical possibility.
Why else tell the media that his shoulder was hurting RIGHT THEN? He could have made it public long before that. We were all hearing/reading about or seeing Tata’s control problems this spring, but there was no explanation. In fact I recall reading some quotes from Jim Leyland to the effect that it was very puzzling.
To bring it up only at the same time as his hand injury smacks of diversion. After all, he’s not personally responsible for the shoulder injury– that is, as you (maybe?) said before, something that almost all pitchers will have to contend with sooner or later.
If you’re going to be sarcastic towards a blogger, please at least have a coherent argument beyond ‘Jordan Tata is a good guy stop iiiiiit.’ I’m sure he’s a lovely human being; that has nothing at all to do with the fact that he punched a door and is completely useless to the team until he recovers from that rather large lapse in judgement.
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