MVN - Most Valuable Network

Jeremy Bonderman must be stopped

There are only three things I want to talk about that actually pertain to this game. The first is Gary Sheffield doubling off of The Farns, which I found inexplicably hilarious. I don’t even know why. Just, Gary Sheffield! And The Farns! Two great crazy tastes that taste crazy together. Somewhere in there is humor.

The second is the bullpen, which today contributed 5 scoreless innings from Seay and Cruceta. The bullpen has had Issues-with-the-intentional-capital-I this season, so an outing like that should not be overlooked.

The third is Matt Joyce’s first ever big league homerun. Hugs and kittens for Matt Joyce. Some guys take weeks or months or years to get that first big league homer. He just had his first at-bat this past Monday. We salute you, Matt Joyce.

Enough about that game. We lost. I don’t want to think about it. The end. Let’s instead talk about something much more important, namely

THE HORRIBLE MUSTACHE THAT JEREMY BONDERMAN IS GROWING.

I’ll start off by saying that I hope, SINCERELY HOPE that Bondo will shave it off since he pitched so poorly today. Baseball players are superstitious critters and the return of the Deadly First Inning may be cause enough for Bondo to take action against his burgeoning facial hair. It’s possible that we’ll never see it again.

THIS WOULD BE A GOOD THING.

I don’t know if it looked extra-horrific because I was watching the game in HD or what, but holy FREAKING cats, I could barely look at this thing without being nauseated. I guess I ought to try to describe it for those of you who didn’t/couldn’t see the game… uggh. It’s just this thin, pale brown line of not-very-filled in mustache. And you know how Bondo’s lips are kinda thin? So it’s like there are his lips, then a strip of pale skin above them, then the mustache, then a little more skin, then his nose. So it’s just this little line…

It makes him look like a stereotypical child molester, it really does, or some other unsavory character with dubious personal grooming habits. It’s the kind of mustache that makes you uncomfortable to look at. Like there’s something crawling across his upper lip. Hence the caterpillar in the image on the upper right, there.

I always wonder about these things… I mean, did he just forget to shave for a couple of days? Did he honestly think it would be a good idea? He’s married; didn’t his wife stop him on his way out the door and say, “Jeremy, honey, that’s just not the best look for you”?

Maybe the idea is to make opposing batters so uncomfortable that they strike out all the time? A creative strategy, but not a particularly sound one.

Someone needs to stop Bondo, one way or another, before he lets this thing grow out anymore. It’s for the good and well-being of all.

This entry was posted on Saturday, May 10th, 2008 at 9:11 pm and is filed under Matt Joyce, Bondo. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.