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Nate Robertson’s unrequited love

By Samara Pearlstein | May 13th, 2008

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This is just a sad, sad story.

We have the lovelorn pitcher, Nate Robertson, who pines for the beautiful bats. “Sweet maple snookums,” he says, “don’t you love me? I love you so. I will do such nice things for you. I will have a quality start for you!”

Because a Nate in love is a Nate who keeps his word, Nate goes out and does just that, pitching 7 innings and allowing only TWO runs on TEN hits, with ZERO walks. That is a QUALITY START, and it’s something Nate has really struggled with this season, so it’s not like he’s giving the bats something cheap or commonplace or obviously thoughtless (like giving flowers to someone with a cat who likes to eat flowers. Congratulations, lover: you indirectly just gave your special friend cat vomit). A quality start from Nate is just about the most expensive thing he can afford to get for his bats. It takes all that he has, but he loves the bats, so when he is finally able to afford to give it, he gives it gladly.

The bats are cruel and hard-hearted (obviously, being made of wood and all) and do not love Nate back. He offers them a quality start; in return, they offer only loneliness and woe. And anemia. And men left on base. Ohhhhh so many men left on base.

Nate and the bats are like ships of love passing in the night. When the bats are feeling amorous, Nate is like a cold dead codfish; now that Nate is all a-flutter with affection and moderate pitching skills, the bats could not care less. It’s a harsh thing to watch.

Although watching Nate struggle on his own is bad enough, watching the bats hatefully ignore his hopeful effort is worse yet. C’mon, you unfeeling sticks! Surely you can’t be THIS fiendish!

Alas for Nate, they certainly seem to in fact be just that fiendish so far this season.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 13th, 2008 at 9:16 pm and is filed under imaginary baseball world, Nate Robertson. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.