MVN - Most Valuable Network

An Ode to the Washington Witnesses

Now that we’ve made an annual tradition out of the Cleveland Cavaliers beating the Washington Witnesses in the first round of the playoffs, it’s time to honor the recipients of this rare and unique treatment.

Let’s face it: it’s hard to lose to one damn team in the postseason over and over again. Yet, the Witnesses have achieved this feat flawlessly. They lost in six to a Cavs team that was a playoff virgin in ‘06. They were hurt and undermanned in getting swept out by the James Gang in ‘07. And they trash-talked, cheap-shotted, and whined their way to another six-game exit in ‘08.

Truly versatile. My hat is off to Eddie Jordan, Gilbert Arenas, and the rest of the Witnesses for creating an art form out of losing to LeBron James. The only thing left is giving your fans infinite hope that this…might…be…the…year you beat King James and forcing it to seven games, only to lose to LeBron in Game 7.

Hey, that’s what 2009 is for.

These Witnesses, however, have been the most special group of them all. So special, in fact, that each one of them deserves a special farewell salute as they go home early for summer vacation courtesy of the Cavs yet again.

Gilbert Arenas: Remember these words?

“I think everybody wants Cleveland in that first round. They’ve been a .500 team ever since they made that trade and everybody wants a chance at that matchup…We want Cleveland for our own reasons, we don’t think they can beat us in the playoffs three years straight. It’s hard to beat a team three years straight. We want to try our luck.”

Well, the Cavs were a .667 team in the postseason against your Witnesses, Gilbert. That’s actually worse than the .800 winning percentage they’ve had against your squad in the previous two postseasons combined, so I see your point about Cleveland getting worse. You may want to think twice before calling out a team that has your number again and again and again. Especially when that team has a player that eats you for breakfast, brunch, lunch, mid-afternoon snacks, supper, dinner, and still won’t leave any of you left over for midnight snacks.

“Everybody wants Cleveland in that first round.” Sure, that might be true, but you’re the Washington Witnesses. The last thing you want is a playoff series with LeBron James.

Brenda Haywood: Today, we salute you, Brenda. Pioneers like you and Laura Hughes have shown that the WNBA isn’t the only outlet for young women looking to pursue a career in professional basketball.

Trying to mock LeBron whining and then telling him to shut up and play basketball was a true sign of leadership on your part. I mean, screw leading by example. So what if you were part of a frontcourt that was beat, 51-31, on the boards in Game 4? So what if the rest of your team was amped up for Game 4 and claimed that they wanted to win that game badly to send a message? The game came down to one last shot, anyways, so the minus-20 rebounding deficit couldn’t have made that much of a difference, right?

When you average 7.5 points and 5.9 rebounds a game and then try to play the role of a safety in football in a basketball game, you’re clearly qualified to tell LeBron James to “play basketball.” So what if he’s ended your season in convincing fashion for three straight seasons? He’s the one that needs to focus on just playing basketball, not you! You tell ‘em, Brenda!

Andray Blatche: You just don’t know any better, Andray. You’re in your third NBA season, all of which have been with the Witnesses. A world in which your season doesn’t end in the hands of Cleveland just doesn’t exist to you. There’s death, taxes, and losing to the Cavaliers in the first round.

Hitting LeBron in the face in Game 1 was a good start in trying to alter your destiny in life, but you can’t change fate. And if I’m not mistaken, you did have a change to change your fate last offseason when you could have signed with the Cavs as a free agent. But hey, you seem to be enjoying this. Get used to it.

Caron Butler: It’s too bad, Caron. I truly like you. You’re one of my favorite players in the NBA, and your story is inspiring. Heck, I was pissed off when that idiot Paxson passed up on you in the ‘02 draft to take Dajuan Wagner at no. 6. But you’re a small forward, and we’ve got a better one in Cleveland, so maybe everything worked out for the best, yeah?

Antawn Jamison: You’re a good guy, but I’ll never forget how you wrecked my chances of winning my NCAA pool back in ‘98 by choking against Utah. It’s okay, though. I won because of Rip Hamilton and UConn the following year.

And last but certainly not least…

DeShawn Stevenson: Hova can take this…

“That’s my nigga LeBron
So big we ain’t gotta respond
When ya talking to a Don
Please have respect like you talking to your mom.”

“We let the money do the talkin’
As you see, we been talkin’ rather often
The Roc boys in the building another $150 million
Don’t it sound like we yellin’?”

“Who the fuck’s overrated?
If anything, they underpay you, hatin’
It’s only gonna make him spend a night out of spite
With the chick you’ve been datin’.”

“We the best of best
We gonna be here so the rest can take a rest
I gotta get this off my chest
No pause, none of that shit, get off my…”

“I gotta keep it real
It’s gonna take seven movies by Will
Seven movies at $20 mil
And you’re still 10 short of what I did with one deal.”

“Don’t compare me with a nobody
I’d rather not be mentioned
I’m offended
Unless you talking Dr. King or John Lennon or Jimmi Hendrix.”

“I’m just a rap star, bitch
Keep it real, ya know I got y’all, bitch
We ain’t in the same league
You can lie to yourself, you can’t lie to me.”

“I don’t even know y’all name
I’m too big for ya to rap LeBron James
Roc Nation a new movement
Y’all money funny, what the fuck are you doing?”

“I don’t know what y’all on
It’s chess, know the difference between a king and a pawn.”

This entry was posted on Friday, May 2nd, 2008 at 5:35 pm and is filed under DeShawn Stevenson, Andray Blatche, Eddie Jordan, Jim Paxson, Jay-Z, Brendan Haywood, Antawn Jamison, Washington Wizards, Gilbert Arenas, Larry Hughes, Caron Butler, Cleveland Cavaliers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.