MVN - Most Valuable Network

The Ultimate Fantasy Football Player

It’s the offseason, which we don’t need to tell any of you.  It’s a long layoff, but that’s the nature of the beast.  Perhaps that’s what makes fantasy football so wonderful.  17 weeks of fantastic football bliss (unless you’re a Miami Dolphins fan).  So you may be wondering how we Bruno Boys spend our offseasons.  We follow the players moving teams, we’re excited about the upcoming NFL draft, and we love to analyze the impact of everything from coaching changes to player arrests (well hopefully not this year, but I probably just jinxed that).  This, however, isn’t one of those articles.  Generally speaking, we also goof off a bit.  So relax, and enjoy the next couple months, and we’ll be back to the fantasy analysis in short order.

In the meantime, however, consider what it would be like to have the ultimate player on your team?  Sure Adrian Peterson, LaDanian Tomlinson, and Tom Brady owners have to feel pretty close, but that’s not exactly my point.  What if science actually allowed us to assemble the best aspects of all the players in the NFL?   What if we could actually make the ultimate fantasy football player?  I warned you it was the offseason, and the minds of the Bruno Boys start to wander.  We’ve assembled all the parts; now we just need science to pull their weight.
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Brain: Peyton Manning (QB – Indianapolis Colts)

Let’s be honest, is there a safer pick in the first round?  I never end up with him on any of my teams, unless it’s via trade.  But Manning consistently puts up numbers.  Every. Single. Year.  And if you’ve been near a TV anytime in the last year, you’ve seen his face on any number of ads. One such ad features Sprint shamelessly pimping the mind of Manning, complete with swimming Dolphins and a freaky little kid whispering.  Um yeah, we just want his brain.  Thanks.
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Arm: Tom Brady (QB – New England Patriots)

I’m not looking up the numbers, for fear I’ll hurl, but Tom Brady was incredibly accurate this season.  He’s been accurate before, pretty much for his entire career, but this year was just gaudy.  There’s not a throw he can’t make, and his arm strength is certainly adequate.  We’re also taking his womanizing (see: man whoring) skills.  He faced some tough competition from fellow QB Matt Leinart in this one as both have proven they’re not sterile, allegedly.  You’re such a good guy, Tom.
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Legs: Adrian Peterson (RB – Minnesota Vikings) 

 This was a tough one as I wanted to take the legs of Randy Moss, which provide incredible speed and form the foundation of his height advantage.  Chad Johnson was also considered; the man outran a horse.  ‘Nuff said.  However, when you watch Adrian Peterson play (the good one), his cuts, acceleration, and breakaway speed are truly incredible.  Anyone else notice he has a sort of gallop when he gets past the linebackers?  Take that, Chad.  You outran a horse… Peterson is part horse.  Touche.
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Hands: Terrell Owens (WR – Dallas Cowboys)

Umm, no. Never T.O.!  Santana Moss?  Nope.  Asante Samuel? I’ll let Patriots fans answer that one.  For this one we’ll take Asante’s teammate, Randy Moss.  Not only because Moss rarely drops a ball on a big play, but mostly because he consistently displays the ability to catch passes at the height of his reach.  He’s not that much taller than everyone, and he can’t really jump that high (all this is very easy for me to say), rather his technique accounts for a lot of his ability to catch passes over defenders.  And if he ever does drop one, you can be sure he’s catching the next one, maybe even with one hand.
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Eyes: LaDanian Tomlinson (RB – San Diego Chargers)

We considered a few guys for this award, but chose Tomlinson for his incredible vision.  Call it a career achievement award (he told me he was thrilled to receive it), as Tomlinson’s been seeing the cutback for years.  He’s practically clairvoyant, and our investment is well protected behind that convenient black plastic shield.  Always minimize risk, kids.
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Mouth: Chad Johnson (WR – Cincinnati Bengals)

Some people can’t stand this guy.  I personally love him.  In 2006 he posted a list in his locker of every cornerback he was going to face, a hit list of sorts.  Then he told us about it.  Terrell Owens tries, but usually just comes off as a bit of an asshole.  Chad’s rarely called a bad teammate.  Some get tired of his antics, but he can run his mouth for us any day. 
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And with that I’ll stop running my mouth, er, fingers.  Imagine how many leagues you could win with this guy though.  What if you could clone him and put him at every position?  I’ll stop.  I promise. 

Comment below with any aspects you feel I left off the list.  We would love to hear them.
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Article written by Bruno Boys newest content writer Joel Stubblefield. Be sure to check back on a weekly basis for more articles featuring the Bruno Boys newest staff member::

This entry was posted on Sunday, February 24th, 2008 at 7:23 pm and is filed under Fantasy news, Offseason Fantasy Notes. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.