MVN - Most Valuable Network

The next reality show? Get these guys on the Rams!

A couple days ago, while waiting in line at a restaurant, I read a fantastic article in the Riverfront Times (a free, alternative local St. Louis paper for those not in the area) that listed a few personnel options that could help the Rams reach their full potential in 2008.

Though I was quite pleased with the idea of David Eckstein suiting up in blue and gold on Sundays, I’d have to say my favorite mention was the one, the only, that baller from Bethlehem:

Jesus (via trade from New Orleans): Right now the Rams don’t have a prayer, but that could change faster than you can say “Hail Mary” if they’re able to acquire this rare talent. “He” has worked miracles for teams in the past and has a proven track record in the league — dozens of players, including former Rams QB Kurt Warner and resurgent Detroit Lions play-caller Jon Kitna credit Him for much of their success. At two millennia and counting, His Chris Weinke-like age is a concern. Like Ichiro in baseball, He could be the first NFL player to wear his first name on the back of his jersey. 

In fact, the whole concept of Jesus joining the roster tickled me to the point that I had to join in the fun. (With that whole water-to-wine trick, the Rams may want to extend an invite to crosstown favorite, Tony LaRussa. I think it’s safe to assume, though, that Leonard Little will be occupying the adjacent locker…) So, in the name of spreading a little holiday cheer, I’m here to offer a few more suggestions to Jay Zygmunt in his quest to fix whatever ails these Rams (this year, both figuratively and literally). Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Captain Planet: With all the controversies surrounding these current Rams (Claude Wroten, Dominique Byrd, Fakhir Brown and the rest of the ganja gang, former Ram Claude Terrell and his home issues), is there anyone who could repair the franchise’s image more quickly than the Captain? What’s trendier than saving the world, anyway? (And conservation-style, at that!) And, as an added bonus, Planet’s flying ability will be a big help to the Rams’ sagging vertical game. We already know the guy bleeds blue. Now if we could only get the guy to wear some pants…

But who knows? Maybe trying to fix that image problem is the wrong way to go. Maybe we should just turn to…

Jay and Silent Bob: Yes, that’s right: Bluntman and Chronic themselves. You know, I’ve always been one for the whole “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” attitude, and it seems like a tall order for Scott Linehan to reform the hashish horde. (No? The smoke squad? The cannabis clan? The pot pack? The toke troupe? The Doobie Brothers? That last one is taken? Darn.) Part of the problem the Rams have had in attracting big names is that, well, no one wants to be associated with us. We don’t win like New England. We don’t have the history of Green Bay. And we don’t have the beaches of Miami. But if playing for St. Louis were like going on lifelong Spring Break, you can bet the Rams would attract at least a few guys out there. (At the very least, Ricky Williams would be buying up riverfront property.)

Yet it’s unclear what these two classic characters would have to offer on the field, so the Rams may be better sticking with the biblical route and going after…

Moses: The Rams have had trouble getting to the opposition’s quarterback, amassing only 17 sacks (good for 23rd in the league). If Moses could part an entire sea, he should have no problem with the Seahawks’ underachieving line.

Then again, Moses is pretty old, and at this point in his illustrious career, he has to be considered an injury concern. Since the Rams’ training staff has already proved they’re not to be trusted, the Rams’ best bet may be just sticking with…

Glenn Dorsey: You knew it would come to this. How many times must I sing the man’s praises? Well, it doesn’t matter, because I’ll continue until he’s officially on the roster.

I started this column talking about Jesus. You should have known it would come to this. You just should have. (And yes, I realize that equating Dorsey with Jesus may err a bit on the side of blasphemy. It’s okay; I’ve come to terms with it.)

Anyway, have a happy and safe holiday, all! See you soon.

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 22nd, 2007 at 2:53 am and is filed under St. Louis Rams, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.