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Rams Football Physics

I apologize for the long break from my last post, but I have been very busy this week feverishly trying to read a book called The Fabric of the Cosmos for a biology class. The book explores some crucial ideas in today’s world of physics (yes, I am quite the science geek). Because we all know that nothing can be more important or worthy of our attention than the St. Louis Rams, I here present some of the most important Rams-related theories that modern physics is currently investigating:

The Many Worlds Theory puts forth the idea that there are an infinite number of universes. Since there are many different things that could possibly happen to an object, this idea says that one of these possibilities happens in each of these universes. Every object that exists does something different in each universe, so that there are infinite combinations of what an object can do depending on where it is. However — and this is a quirk that physicists marvel at every time they come up against it — no matter which universe you look at, the St. Louis Rams are always 3-9. The scientists theorize that the combination of bad draft picks, injuries, and inept coaching is so powerful that not even the fundamental laws of the universe can get them another win.

According to the Big Bang Theory, the universe began in a tiny point of infinite energy when all of the matter in the universe exploded. Scientists have calculated the amount of energy released during this explosion and they have found that it is exactly the same amount of energy released every time Steven Jackson plows forcefully into a defensive lineman. The only logical conclusion is that Steven Jackson causes a new big bang on every running play, and thus creates a new universe somewhere each and every time he bowls over some unsuspecting lineman or linebacker. Unfortunately, as I said above, no matter how many universes S-Jax creates, the Rams can’t win in any of them. Also unfortunate, Jackson only gets to run about once every 14 billion years because Scott Linehan refuses to stop passing, even with a backup QB (or a backup to a backup — Brock Berlin starts on Sunday against Cincinnati, making him the third quarterback to start this year).

Then there is quantum mechanics, which claims (among other things) that when nobody is looking at something, that object doesn’t really exist. Strange as it sounds, it’s certainly worth a try. On the count of three, everybody look away from Frerotte, Joe Klopfenstein, Randy Moss, the Patriots, and Boston sports teams in general. No? They’re all still here? Even Moss? But we would be so much better off without them. Still no? Darn.

Just one last one for you physics lovers … oh, that’s just me? Well, anyway, Einstein’s special relativity says that nothing can ever travel faster than the speed of light. Too bad old Albert didn’t live long enough to see linebackers running by the Rams’ patchwork, porous offensive line that will be in its 27th combination of the season on Sunday (or thereabouts). It’s amazing how quickly and easily defenses seem to reach Bulger. It’s surprising he didn’t get a concussion earlier. Had Einstein seen the O-line get manhandled every week, he might have had to rethink his equations.

These are just the frontrunners among the various Rams-related theories that physics has come up with. No theories yet on how to beat Cincinnati, unfortunately.

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A last note: I won’t be doing a preview this week — I don’t have much time with finals coming up, and besides, I’m rarely right — so check out X over at stlouisramsx.com for previews, analyses, expressions of varying resignation and frustration at the new rash of Rams injuries and the failed season in general, and anything else you need to satisfy your STL football desires.

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 8th, 2007 at 12:22 am and is filed under stlouisramx.com, Quarterback, Joe Klopfenstein, Brock Berlin, 2007 NFL Season, Gus Frerotte, Marc Bulger, Rams Defense, Steven Jackson, St. Louis Rams, Professional Sports, National Football League, Randy Moss, NFL. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.