MVN - Most Valuable Network

Rams-Packers Running Diary

I realize that I’ve been MIA for the last week or so, but I have a semi-valid excuse: five comprehensive finals. It was a rough stretch, but now that that’s all over with, I can get to the real tough times: watching the Rams play the Packers.

What better way to make up for absence than a running diary? I’ll be posting here as each quarter completes so keep checking back for updates.

FIRST QUARTER

12:04 - The game begins with a nice return by Koren Robinson, a man aptly named the “DUI Tornado” by my good friend Carp. Expect many jokes as such this afternoon.

12:06 - Commentator #2: “This Packers offensive line does a great job against the Rams defensive line. Watch this.” Really, guys? The line of one of the elite NFC teams does a great job against two rookies and a backup? Ryan Grant probably ran against better lines in college than this Rams group. How much credit do they really deserve here?

12:09 - Awful pursuit angle by Chris Draft gives Vernand Morency and the Packers a first down. This is going to be a long day.
12:10 - What was that? Tackle by Corey Chavous? Do my ears deceive me, or does he still play football?

Nevermind. Ryan Grant waltzes into the endzone a play later. Green Bay 7-0, and 9:39 to play in the first. At this pace, the Packers will win 78-0. That would be getting off light.

12:13 - Derek Stanley gets lit up on his first return in his first NFL game. Is it just me, or does this guy look like he still belongs in high school? Shouldn’t there be some sort of minimum height/weight requirement for the NFL? Safety first.

12:20 - What are those Rams cheerleaders wearing on their heads? Is this Brenda Warner day? Aren’t there better people we could be paying homage to?

Am I just talking to myself here?

12:21 - Brett Favre has begun the game 4 for 4 on passing. I’ve always said that #4 is a model of precision passing. Yeah, and Koren Robinson is a model of responsible drinking.

12:22 - Brandon Chillar jars the ball loose with his nose. Uncalled for? Maybe, but that thing is huge. I’m not sure if he’s Jewish or not, but I’m just going to claim him for our side. Rams ball.

Green Bay challenges, but luck is on the Rams’ side today. (?) First down, Rams.

12:27 - Scott Linehan looks mighty smug for a man in charge of a 3-10 team. Glad your head’s in the game, Scotty.

12:28 - It takes four Packers to bring down Jackson after a gain of a few. Doesn’t it seem more and more with each passing week that Rams games are turning into shoe commercials? I think my five-year-old cousin could figure out to give this guy the ball more.

12:30 - Could Antonio Pittman turn out to be the Rams’ best draft pick of 2007? Oh, wait…

12:32 - Does anyone call timeouts with more intensity than Marc Bulger? There should be some kind of award for this. Who else would even be in the running?

12:34 - Look at the agility on Dane Looker. [Insert sarcasm here.] There’s no question this guy belongs in the NFL.

12:35 - Would anyone mind explaining to me how you leave a five-time Pro Bowl receiver that open? No one was within five yards of him. Did Torry Holt just fly under the Packers’ radar? Is Bob Sanders’ job in danger? (The Packers’ defensive coordinator, not the Colts safety.) Anyway, Rams tie it up, 7-7.

12:39 - Commentator #1: “This is not a typical 3-10 team.” Watching the DUI Tornado take the kick back to the Rams’ 10, I’d say that’s exactly what they are.

Ball comes back on a Green Bay holding penalty.

12:41 - Watching the coverage break down on Donald Driver, you might think the Rams’ secondary are the ones with the drinking problem. Or maybe Claude Wroten got to them before the game.

It’s funny - I don’t know which substance abuse problem to focus on. I feel like I’m back at college.

SECOND QUARTER

12:44 - Commentator #2: “When you look at this group of wide receivers, they’re not just explosive guys. You get them the ball short, and they’ll turn it into something.” Umm… Exactly what definition of “explosive” are we working with here?

Favre to Lee, and Packers go up by a score. When did that twosome become the most feared passing combo this side of Brady-Moss?

12:48 - Tony Siragusa sure puts on the game face for sideline reporting. I bet those cameramen are wetting their pants right now.

12:50 - The Predator spins downfield for a first down. On the bright side, your name is still Brady Poppinga. Don’t get down on yourself.

12:52 - Glad to know that when you have a quarterback possibly feeling the effects of rib and head injuries, you still have receivers that can come down with the ball. (I don’t know whether that’s a compliment to our receivers or an indictment of our coaching. I’ll get back to you.)

12:53 - Wait, I’m still confused - was that a Nike commercial or what? Rams (and Steven Jackson) tie it once again, 14-all.

By the way, can I take this opportunity to offer a suggestion to Jax for a touchdown celebration? Alright, so next time you score, you hunt down Carl Weathers and kill him on live TV. May draw a fine, but I think the world at this point has had about as much Action Jackson as one world can take.

12:58 - Apparently, one of my friends works at a Best Buy that Will Witherspoon frequents. I’m just going to guess he watches a lot of Jean-Claude Van Damme movies.

1:03 - Our discussion of who has gone longer without a hair cut, Al Harris or Steven Jackson, is interrupted by a “mullet alert.” What kind of education do you suppose is necessary to become an NFL commentator? Third-grade? Not even?

1:05 - Commercials. Apparently Jax is now starring in films. It was only a matter of time.

1:08 - Favre has connected on passes to eight different receivers. Do the Rams even have eight healthy options?

1:10 - Judging by the background music, is this game being played in a football stadium or an office-building-elevator? (And wouldn’t the latter make great television?)

1:12 - The Rams lose a challenge. Shocker there. Some things - like the Rams’ injury list - change; some things are timeless.

1:14 - Favre overthrows Morency deep. Now there’s the Brett Favre I know and love. (By the way, that incompletion drops his QB rating from 132.3 to 127.2. Darn.)

Mason Crosby hits a field goal, and the Packers now lead 17-14.

1:18 - Isaac Bruce outruns two Packers deep. He’s been in the league longer than that kid they just showed celebrating has been alive! (Sadly, I’m not joking.)

1:19 - Jax, with a 9-yard run, goes over 100 yards on the day. It’s sad that what I expected at the beginning of the season has become a pleasant and occasional surprise. But there’s always next year.

1:21 - Good lord; is that another Peyton Manning commercial? How does this guy even have time to play football with all the filming he has to do?

1:25 - Those are the hands on Drew Bennett that I remember: made entirely of stone. Packers pick it off after his tip and have 37 seconds left in the half.

1:27 - O.J. Atogwe picks off an errant pass by Favre deep in Rams territory. That’s his sixth interception this season! When did this kid learn how to defend the pass?

Bulger takes a knee, and the Rams head into halftime down by 3. I’ll be back in a few with the second half.

THIRD QUARTER

1:40 - A commercial for Rams tickets (!) just before the third quarter concludes with, “Rams football - I believe.” At this point, what do we have left to believe in? That we’ll get a high draft pick? That Steven Jackson will lead my fantasy team to victory? That the Rams could improve their offensive line by signing Tony Siragusa during halftime? (Is that legal? He looks big enough.)

1:43 - Steven Jackson’s carry total climbs to 15, and then he gets a pass thrown his way. Linehan better hope Jax is satisfied with his number of touches, or he may have to face the shoulder cannon…

1:45 - Alex Barron false starts. Wouldn’t be a Rams game without it. (I’d like to bring up - again - the thought of what Alex Barron is like in bed. Yeah, I think you know where I’m going with this.)

1:47 - Atari Bigby grabs his second interception off a deflected pass. Who knew? (Is there any question that this guy’s parents were huge nerds in high school? The geeks apparently were the weird-naming heirs to the hippies. What would be the equivalent of Bigby’s name today? Xbox Jones? Ipod McGee? I’m sure someone is reading this thinking, what a great idea.)

Mason Crosby hits a field goal to put the Packers up, 20-14.

1:56 - The commentating team wraps up a three-minute “nugget alert” rant. Do I even need to pair this with a joke?

1:58 - Commentator #1: “The Packers all paid people to shovel their snow for them.” Commentator #2: “They’re outsourcing!” This is just getting ridiculous. I was wrong about Claude Wroten all this time, though; he’s been making his way up to the press box for pre-game all this time. (It makes so much sense, why didn’t I think of it sooner? Especially with that buffet… Well-done, Claude. Well-done.)

1:59 - Bulger gets nailed by Nick Barnett and holds his head as he gets up from the hit. The commentators say he may have been hit in the eye. Way to take care of your $65 million man, guys.

On the brightside, Donnie Jones punts it away for only the third time today. Do you think he knows what to do with himself on the sideline with all the free time?

2:04 - Greg Jennings looked like he was fielding a punt back there he was so open. I think that’s what’s called “blown coverage.” But what do I know… Packers now up, 27-14.

2:10 - The commentators are still fixated on the blown coverage. I feel like I’m stuck in Rain Man. “Definitely Atogwe, yeah, definitely Atogwe…”

2:12 - The Rams go for it on fourth down, and the Predator makes it happen. The way he froze that linebacker, you’d think he had a cloaking device or something.

2:16 - Drew Bennett tiptoes up the sideline for a long first down. Wait, did I just type what I think I typed? Somebody pinch me.

FOURTH QUARTER

2:20 - The way Bennett got roughed up on that play, it could’ve been made into an episode of Law & Order: SVU. (You know, because he got… Well, you know.)
2:21 - Jeff Wilkins misses a 48-yarder, and the Rams’ second-half collapse is in full effect.

2:23 - Brett Favre breaks Dan Marino’s career passing yards record with a throw to Donald Driver. No joke or snide comment here; I only have respect for the guy. Congratulations on a fabulous career (and season), Brett. As many more years as you want to come back, I’d love to have you.

2:26 - A montage of Favre signing autographs. No wonder he’s got a cannon for an arm.

2:27 - Two penalties on the Rams (pass interference and unsportsmanlike conduct) give the Packers the ball at the 10. Fox catches Jim Haslett making a comment in reference to horse excrement. Why can’t we get Haslett miked up for the game? Wouldn’t that be more entertaining than the boring cliches we’re usually stuck with?

2:28 - Another penalty, on O.J. Atgowe, and the Rams are “losing their composure.” Have these guys watched the season so far? That’s the team motto!

Mason Crosby connects on a field goal, and the lead is now 16.

2:40 - Bennett takes another shot, and again, no flag. No one will ever accuse Bennett of not being tough enough; he just can’t catch.

The Rams go for it on fourth, and the ball sails away. Packers ball.

2:41 - A shot of Linehan consoling Bulger on the sideline. How cute. This will be one of those nice moments to look back on when he gets canned. They could even make an emotional farewell montage for him. But they probably won’t.

2:42 -Atogwe grabs a second interception. Are you kidding me?! At least he’s making up for that hole in the lineup at strong safety. Wait, you’re telling me Chavous is still in the game? Really? Where is he?

2:45 - Rams finally pick up a pass-interference call. Happy holidays, St. Louis Rams, from your officiating crew!

2:48 - Commentator #2: “They’ve had spurts. This Rams offense has had spurts.” I think “hemorrhage” is the more appropriate word.

2:49 - Bulger gets sacked for the second play in the row and gets drilled in the head. I wish I could get an interview with Bulger after the game. “The offense had no consistency today, Marc. What went wrong out there?” “Uhh… Tuesday.”

2:52 - The commentators point out that the Packers will start their drive in Rams’ territory for the sixth time today. In the background, the stadium plays James Brown’s “Sex Machine.” Is there a connection here? It’s unclear.

2:53 - Clifton Ryan gets called for a horse-collar tackle. Haslett is visibly not pleased. Linehan tries to look mildly confused. He needs acting lessons.

2:56 - Apparently Linehan majored in public relations at Idaho. There’s one of those inexplicable mysteries of the universe.

Crosby hits on a 46-yarder. Packers, 33-14.

3:03 - The stadium is now playing Avril Lavigne’s hit single, “Girlfriend.” It must be a track on the new Steven Jackson playlist. It’s not clear what the song has to do with football, but the kids these days, they love it.

3:19 - I stagger through some technical difficulties as I attempt to finish posting, but nothing of particular interest happens. Packers win, 33-14.

Another blown game for the Rams. That drops them to 3-11 on the season and into prime draft real estate. It’s like moving from St. Louis to… well, L.A. Oh, the irony. I’ll see you all later this week!

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 16th, 2007 at 10:19 am and is filed under Rams Players, Green Bay Packers, Rams Special Teams, Rams News, Rams Offense, St. Louis Rams, Rams Defense, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.