An Open Letter to Pacman Jones
Dear Adam -
(FYI: You should start going by Adam now. Just a thought - Pacman’s not the most threatening name in the world, but it doesn’t really shout “I’m more mature now”.)
Recently, on Michael Irvin’s radio show, you were asked if you would never go into a strip club again. You responded by saying “Never say never.” Peter King rightfully called you out on that, and you should be praying to whatever God you believe in that another team in the NFL is considering giving you a second chance.
(Honestly, how hasn’t Roger Goodell stepped in and forced a trade to Oakland for Jones? Is there any franchise that he belongs to more than the Raiders? I would think that the Commish would be up late, giggling about the havoc Jones would create by the Bay.)
So in order to help you figure things out, Adam, let me give you some examples of bad times to say “Never say never”.
Vincent van Gogh - “Will you cut off your ear in a maniacal rage?”
Tony Romo - “Is Jessica Simpson coming to this game?”
Captain of the Hindenburgh - “Will the zeppelin explode when you hit a tower?”
Sensei John Kreese - “Can Johnny Lawrence be beaten by some punk from Jersey with a move that you’ve never seen before?”
Do you see what I’m getting at, Adam? Not going to strip clubs is easy - you just don’t go. Channel your energy elsewhere. Invite some escorts over and make it rain in your living room. I would say the odds drop to somewhere around 20% that shots will not be fired next to your 72-inch plasma.
You’re going to get a second chance to play, Adam. If you’re dumb enough to blow this one, I would practice saying “Would you like fries with that?” to prepare yourself for your next career.
Sincerely,
Ryan Brown
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