MVN: Most Valuable Network

illustration by Samara Pearlstein

The latest rumor making the rounds has the Tigers sending Nate Robertson and/or Dontrelle Willis to Boston for Julio Lugo.

Now, I have a confession to make. I suspect it means that I am in reality a very bad baseball blogger. The confession is this: I HATE TRADE RUMORS.

They are not exciting. I don't enjoy trying to use my telepathic powers to penetrate the powerful mental barriers set up by Scott Boras' Sith Lord training. I don't like having to think extensively about the pros and cons and potential costs and rewards of things that will never happen, or will happen but in a form completely different from the one we have just spent like two weeks dissecting. I realize that lots of baseball fans have all kinds of fun with this, BUT I DO NOT.

However, I feel obligated to comment on this because a) it is all over the internet, and b) I am in the semi-unique position of being a Tigers fan/blogger who watched a whole lot of Red Sox games this past season (and indeed every season). The following are the impressions of Julio Lugo I gathered from 2008.

[insert hypothetical photo of quadriceps muscle imploding here]

I didn't have any photos of him striking the hell out uploaded, but you can imagine what that looked like. To compare: in 503 at-bats, Edgar struck out 64 times (12.7% of the time); in 261 at-bats, Lugo struck out 51 times (19.5% of the time).

Also he is out in both those photos of him sliding into bases. If you couldn't tell.

Now, what in the hell is going on with Nate? Who knows! What in the hell is going on with Dontrelle? Who knows! The point is that they could overcome their ~*~mysterious~*~ mechanical/psychological/phenomenological ailments at any moment. Or not! But wouldn't we like to have them around if they suddenly remember how to pitch again?

I THINK SO.

Whereas Julio Lugo takes three steps and then says, "Auuugh oh man no my entire upper leg is separating from my lower leg aauugh auugh augh this is agony my entire world is agony." Then he cries a little because of all that time he wasted in Tampa Bay without getting to reap the benefits of being on a Tampa Bay team that was not terrible at baseball. Plus nobody involved in this deal is cheap, so especially if it's an either/or trade (i.e. either Nate or Dontrelle, but not both) it's not like we'd be dumping a whole lot of payroll.

You see my point, I trust.

Anyways here is a doodle of Nate Robertson showing how he derives his superpowers from his goggles.

Dear Dave Dombrowski, please make an actual move soon so that I don't die of sadness, because all of my football teams are bad and I don't want to think about them any longer.